Can I be honest?

Under my circumstances sometimes when I come to this diary I find that I am being a little pretentious. That’s a hard thing to avoid, especially when you project an image of yourself that on the surface looks rock solid, but underneath may be at times just hanging by a thread.

There are a lot of feelings that I actually don’t disclose. Funny thing about Diaryland is that in it you can become part of a community. And once you’re part of that community you feel obliged to maintain a certain image. If I hadn’t made friends here, it would be easy for me just to write, remain anonymous, and disclose anything about myself I wish. In the beginning it was like that.

There are a lot of things I’ve never brought up here that may shock people about me. The ‘101 things about me’ thing I did last week only really touched the surface. Of course I only listed the things that were exciting, and for the most part positive. I do have a dark side. There were things I did that were in poor judgment, and regret them. There are things I’ve done that I should regret, but don’t. There are things at times I desperately wish I could do, but cannot.

And to add a flakey note to that, I’ve been at the doorstep of getting some of the things that I thought I truly wanted, and I’ve backed away causing irreversible damage in my retreat.

Cheryl and I are still married. We have been through hell and back, and by any stretch it’s a miracle that we are still together.

I sometimes am not sure how much longer this marriage will last. I’ve tried everything to bring life back into it, but unless she is willing to meet me halfway, it makes it very difficult to have the heart to persevere and I grow indifferent, and lonely; especially since this has been going on for so long. I would not be surprised if after the kids were all gone that she would be out the door. I’ve felt this way for a number of years. She doesn’t give me many reasons to feel otherwise.

Many ask me on a routine basis ‘why’ I stay. There are many reasons. There are spiritual concerns I have about it. But in the end, the answer is quite simply because the pain of my parents divorce was so bad, that I could never personally put that kind of pain on my kids.

Neither can she.

Being in this situation makes me quite vulnerable. And every now and again someone really catches my eye, or gets my attention. It’s been a long time really since I’ve had one, but right now, I have a crush. There is someone who’s been coming around while I’m at work, and she really fascinates me.

The one thing I really like about crushes is that they really make everything seem new for a short season. They really make me feel like anything is possible.

The one thing I really hate about crushes is that they are impossible. They are fantasies. They are not rooted in reality.

And so; like a ship at sea I have to ride out the storm, until it passes.

And it will.

It always does.

And I’m always right back where I’ve always been,

Here, unavailable, and alone.

But, that’s my choice, isn’t it?

~Rick