mr-knowitall's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I�d thought I�d put the Dogma aside, and write a real entry. Cheryl is really depressed right now. She calls herself a total loser. She�s never really been good with computers, so when it comes to using Word to write a resume, she gets very frustrated because she doesn�t know how to use it. Yes� my wife is computer illiterate. She can surf a little, but that�s all beside play some games. She has been trying to get out of the restaurant business for years, but really doesn�t have the skills to get into any other line of work. We don�t have the money to send her college, and with 3 children pressing toward college in the not too distant future; it doesn�t look like it will happen anytime soon. So she sits and hates herself. It does me no good to try and build her up because all she does is yell at me and tell me she�s stupid. So, I�ve taken to not saying anything at all. There are just certain things we cannot talk about. That�s one of them. Things between her and I are good� they should be better, but that part is up to her. I can�t change her, she can only change herself. It was when I tried to change her (for what I sincerely thought was the better) that I started having problems with my marriage. My intentions were good� the results were bad. No, this time it�s not me� it�s her. She really just hates being her. She honestly wonders why I stay married to her. I stay married because I made a commitment before God that stipulated for better or worse; quite honestly sometimes its better, and sometimes its worse. There are the kids to consider too. When it comes down to it, I really can�t ever imagine being with someone else. I don�t think anyone would put up with me like she does. 18+ years is long time to just up and quit on someone. Sometimes I�m very lonely. Sometimes I wish I could get out. It�s hard to not be able to love like I want to. Much of my expressed love is either ignored, or returned to sender. What I mean is, when I hug her and tell her I think she�s beautiful, she responds not by saying thank you, but by say that somehow I have been deceived into thinking that. Because of that, much of the love I do have does not get expressed, but rather repressed. Anyway, that�s what�s on my chest. Thanks for listening ~Rick 5:47 p.m. - 2004-01-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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