I'm giving this option some serious consideration...

COMPETITIVE OUTSOURCING UPDATE: Lincoln, NE. ? Claude Hacker, NPS employee and father of two girls, has announced plans to outsource his children to a private enterprise specializing in child rearing as part of his family's cost saving effort. Hacker said that his request for proposals will go out later this summer, and that he hopes that a contractor will be in place by fall 2003.

Hacker says that he anticipates saving 25% of his child rearing expenses by hiring a company which specializes in the field. He believes that between the things that his kids destroy, the wear and tear that the kids put on the family residence and vehicles, and the other expenses, such as sports, scouts and lessons, he should be able to pay the private firm about 75% of what he currently spends on his children.

Although his children have expressed concern about being raised by non-parents would be impersonal and would deprive them of some of their current privileges, Hacker has worked to alleviate their fears. He held a family dinner meeting to announce the decision and told the kids that mere parents don't really know how to raise kids until the kids are grown. This is obvious because every grandparent on the street has advice to give any parent they meet. A professional child rearing service would already know how to raise children and not make the mistakes of a rookie parent. The outsource proposal requires companies to provide the children with benefits at least the same overall level they receive at home, with some benefits (TV hours for example) expanding while others (parental attention) declining. The proposal mandates certain "core" benefits, such as food, clothing and schooling; but leaves the non-core (music, sports, television) at the discretion of the contractor.

The outsourcing would phase in over a 6-month period, with the children initially spending daytime hours at their outsource site and sleeping at their parents' home; but, as space becomes available offsite, the children will begin spending all their time away from home except when they are desperately needed at home (for example, when the backyard needs "patrolling.")

The children originally expressed dismay at residing off-site, but Hacker told them that they would have weekly visitation to the house to retrieve any personal belongings, get new books, 'perform' their musical instruments for, or talk to, their parent. This would also allow the kids to visit their pets (two dogs, three cats), at least until phase 2 of Hacker's cost-cutting spree, which includes outsourcing the family pets. Hacker would not say where he came up with the idea of outsourcing the children, other than to admit that he and his wife were having a discussion about family finances which illustrated the need to raise the children in a "better, faster, cheaper" mode. Although his wife was initially reluctant to have the children raised off-site, Hacker convinced her to accept the scheme because she too was eligible for outsourcing.